Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Dear diary?

and i must say i do tend to enjoy the antics of my life.
Join me." - Faye's 'about me' on Facebook
Ok, so yeah, today was one of those days where life just felt repetitive and dull, and it felt like everything worth looking forward to was so far away. I think everybody has this feeling lurking inside them and it only takes something slight to trigger it, for me it was Facebook suggesting I 'reconnect' with my step-sister who died suddenly just over four months ago. I mean I think about Faye a lot everyday but never have I had something I longed for so much put in such simple terms making it sound easy, resulting in me feeling so helpless as to acquire it; it was like a slap in the face from Facebook. Different people react in different ways when faced with these feelings; some drink, some comfort eat, some lash out, I, however, pay a visit to the sea. I plodded from my humble abode in Castle road to my usual spot down by the prom, 158th square across from the first bin by the Derby pool, and nestled into the curved wall and stayed firmly there for four hours looking out to sea. There are numerous things about our salty friend which makes me feel happy again; the sound reminds me that there's so much out there, the smell makes me feel like I can do anything and the sheer volume reassures me there is lots of things I still have to do.
My view
Today, as always, the wind was strong and cold but I like it, the consistency makes me feel somewhat normal... again(?). The sun was shining on me heavily from the left which contrasted with how cold I was on my right side and the waves were getting bigger and stronger when a parasurfer went past and he looked so free and his braveness gave me hope.

The thing I love most about my own little spot is the way I can sit there without thinking about the past or the future, without waiting for anything or anyone, it's every second for itself and there's only the sea there to judge me, and my 'giant pond'-like friend doesn't care that my hair in the wind is scarier than Paranormal Activity on acid. People go past and smile at me, it is like a whole different world and I never feel as alive as I do when I'm there. Today, wrapped in a cardi with no shoes on only odd socks, although there was chaos in my mind, madness in the waves and wind (and my hair), I've never felt so close to sanity. I left at 6pm feeling uplifted and refreshed, with the taste of sea salt on my lips and the smell of sand in my hair I returned home and had a few moments to myself before my life resumed to regular. Then on the way to my mum's I saw a single cow on a bridge over the motor-way looking down at the traffic passing, I was very amused, it was then I knew I was back to my usual quirky self... for now.

I think everyone should take the time to look at the sea, it makes me appreciate the world and brings me back down to earth no matter what's bothering me. I have plans for world domination and traveling is my passion, but 158th square is my spot, and if the world were ever to end, that's where I'd like to be when it happens.

Miss you Faye.

P & L

1 comment:

  1. I read this a few days ago for the first time and i've been thinking about it all week. I've been wanting to comment but I don't really know how to say how much it's affected me.

    just....stunning writing. you've totally articulated how i feel sometimes. I'm sorry about your loss and i can't really imagine what you must be going through every day.

    keep voodling, you're awesome. <3 <3 dottie.


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